THE BUS RIDE

Ugh...I'm awake. It's dark. I don't need to check the time, I know it is early. I checked it 10 minutes ago when I woke up, then naturally fell back asleep. It's 4:06...a.m., and I have a road trip ahead of me. I stumble to the shower and wash the germs, grease, and sleep from my body. A short breakfast and a bit of "Word" reading and I am out the door.

The air is crisp, yet I am wearing shorts. My fur keeps me warm. There literally is no one in the streets, so different from my usual 9 o'clock departure for work. My walk to the bus station is brisk because the last thing I want to do is miss a bus this early in the morning. That would be regretable. I walk in the middle of the street, confident that no car will chance appear. As I make my way downhill, subconciously turn my head juuuust to make sure a driver doesn't score 100 points by picking me off. As if I couldn't hear it coming in the silence of the pre-dawn. I pass the strip club and I am at the bus station. A little waiting won't hurt. Two people are already waiting. Their down jackets against my shorts. I truly am a Montanan.

The only two headlights in town roll up and off I go. From my second row seat I can see the road but safe from flying through the windshield if we get into a crash. Everyone is sleeping except me, and thankfully the driver too. My mind is awake, racing, and full of thoughts.

In my thoughts...is baptism necessary for salvation?...How is water a saving factor? Too early and ignorant for me to think about this. Next thought. This thought is fun to think about. Maybe because I love to drive. I am determined to drive from Bulgaria to either Portugal, Ireland, or China. What about logistics? We'll (Because there must be more than one) have to buy a pimpin car. A 70's era Lada perhaps will do the trick. $1500 leva maybe..Not much, seeing as how we are on a PCV budget. To China would be amazing. Through Russia, Kahzakstan, Mongolia. Would a car make it that far? The southern route is out of the question. I don;t feel like spending time in a prison mistaken for a spy. The Urals...maybe do some bear watching. See the Great China Wall. Eat some real orange chicken. Oh that is too far in the future. I will ponder that later.

My thoughts are interrupted by the winding road and how the driver insists on trying out for Formula 1 racing in a bus. I trust him, I just don't know for how much longer. We wizz down the mountain road passing a few trucks going the opposite direction. Trucks move, however gaurd rails don't! The driver is ridiculously close to these gaurd rails. Whew! made it passed that one. I see another coming up..."Son a B#$@*" I scream in my head. I don't actually think it but instead scream Son of B, pound sign, money symbol, AT sign, Asterisk. I laugh a bit. It's not like ther are any cars coming. It is as though the line is lava and the driver is a kid in a playground making sure not to touch the ground. It is getting a bit ridiculous.

I am reminded of family trips when my mom and dad are driving, driver and co-pilot. "Neil get off the center line" my mom would scream. "Oh gees!!" "Use your signal!" "Are you looking at the road?" "Do you want me to drive?" All famous quotes from my mother to my father while driving. I think of them in this situation because I feel like my mother right now, but somehow I don't think the driver will respond to, "Would you get off the edge of the road, you're gonna get us killed!" I don't know how to say that in Bulgarian either. I let it go, and trust that Mario Andretti will get me to where I'm going.

The moon is out. Bright and not a cloud in the sky. Bright enough to attempt driving without headlights. Wait, wait, wait!! Not with this tunnel-visioned escort. But we would save energy!...Ya! two headlights at a time! It was worth a shot. If I was driving I totally would have.

My mind wanders with fleeting thoughts. We are coming up to a tunnel. Believe it or not, but tunnels are the brighter at night. I'll let you ponder that one.

We fly around a curve and a metal object clangs the bus floor. Obviously falling off of the seat. C'mon man you're gonna wake everyone up. Just a bit of a distraction from my trance of thought. I try to guess what it was. I don't want to make a scene by turning and staring. A lawn chair, Baba baggage cart, a flip chart stand, I don't know. Whatever! I am really not interested.

I'm beginning to feel tiredness come upon me. I yawn to try to stay awake. As the sun begins to rise my eyelids begin to fall.

We make it to our destination. The racecar is intact, everyone alive. Turns out that the metal object that crashed to the floor was a barbeque...mmm steak. :)

This car lives in Bansko. It could've been my bus but wasn't.

IT IS INSIDE US ALL

All these things I can't describe and rather I didn't even try. I may not be able to explain everything but I will lie about nothing. The truth is found on my lips as I desire to please and not deceive. Please don't cry you liar, as I fool you with the truth. I define what is real by reading and studying. I take not from evil because I know that things are broken. There are many things left unsaid, and cowardly I hang my head. I wish only for a shoulder for my tears as you lie to me and try to sway the truth. Oh please don't cry because I don't lie. Don't be stunned when it captures your heart--the truth is amazing. When you find it, all you want to do is tell anyone else. I desire few things in this world, truth and fellowship being two of few.

.......This man was all alone; he had neither son nor brother. There was no end to his toil, yet his eyes were not content with his wealth. Wealth that he didn't even know. The wealth of breath, knowledge, and potential for truth. "For whom am I toiling," he asked, "and why am I depriving myself of enjoyment?" Oh this too is meaningless--a miserable business and existence!
To this man I say, "Two are better than one, because they have good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man the who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one can be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not easily broken."

You see this fellowship is not just for mere survival but for growth and encouragement. Without it we are somewhat lost, and struggle to see what we toil for. The truth is woven into this lovely life: the relationships we nurture. Jumps of excitement from your brother, tears of sorrow from your mother, sister's screams for help. What in all of it binds it together? Truth is, we would do anything to help any of these people: our brother, mother, sister. What about this man toiling aimlessly in life, for all this wealth? Would we toil with him? Would we fool him with the truth? How should we show him fellowship?

Use your heart once more. There is a reason that we adore the meaning of truth. Because has been set in all of our hearts. It is bleeding out of some and locked deep inside of others, undiscovered. The eternity of truth scares us all, but truly, it is simple! Will we weep until we find the courage to stop being a coward and just tell this man the truth? How can I sit here and let someone be so lonely while I sit with such a wealth of fellowship and truth?

I say to this man, "Sir. I want to share with you the truth. I want to fool you. It may seem odd to hear what I have to say, but please listen....There is a way that seems right to men, but in the end it leads to death. The truth has been spoken, it is speaking, and will be spoken. I tell you this now because I if I don't I may never be able to tell you again."

So I proceeded to tell him the truth, and you what he said. He said--I've never heard this truth before, but it is undeniable.--He began to weep because his heart was shaken. What was locked deep inside came bleeding out. It flowed. It lived. Together we stood up. I lifted his head off my wet shoulder and told him, "I almost didn't tell you anything..."

Truth must be spoken and can not remain silent.

Together we had fellowship and held fast with all we had. No one could push us down. And we would not be broken. The truth remained.

THAT WAS VERY POETIC OF YOU

I don’t have a favorite

No flowery language love affair

No passion for prose

No righteousness for rhyme

Just an alliteration allstar

A masterful manipulation of words

Flowing river of intellect

Poetry is simply a sentence without end

Breathe in and out,

Scream and shout,

Without a period or a or exclamation to stop

What comes, is, and, will be spoken and heard

The end comes when I say:

STIGA!

(This is a poem about poems from someone(me) who is not a huge poem reader)

Am I Psychiatrist?....Psychologist?

C'mon you know you have one. I am not talking about a personality, a bellybutton, or a cellphone. Nope this is one that you would probably never guess...A denial. And when you read the last two words of that sentence, what did you think to yourself? No I don't!? What is he talking about? Like it or not this is how we spell addiction, "D-E-N-I-A-L".

Now I don't want to take a serious tone with this subject because I feel that is the way that it is usually handled. But recently I have spotted a few denials in my life. One being a denial that I am addicted and somewhat attached to internet. Another is that I deny the fact that I am not living in a way that I actually want to. To explain this further...I am not living the way that I feel I want/need to and I deny that fact and just simply say, "Whatever, I'll be that man someday."

Well daily I am constrained to see myself in a place with so many opportunities for success and growth and yet I drag myself backwards with denials in my life. Are you feeling like this is the case in your life? Comment if you do.

Honestly I have the answer to my denials in my life and I would be happy to share anytime, but I cannot tell you how to combat these hinderances and live more free. I can only offer advice and listen.

You are probably confused by what in the world I am talking about. But maybe to lighten the mood even further, here is a great picture of my colleague in a rabbit costume.

You can't DENY the ridiculousness of this!!!

"Made a Funny"

So, I am gonna start out by saying I'm not the funniest person in the world. I have my moments. Around certain people I am funnier than when I am around others. Other times people are the ones who bring out the funny side in me. Most of my humor is a conglomeration of wittyness, sarcasm, stupidity, and the occasional actual joke. I laugh from all sorts of things, jokes, sarcasm, silly actions, and situational humor. A very wise person I know (Christina Bakke) told me before I left for Bulgaria that it was going to be hard to adjust simply because I would not have the humor aspect of my language. Granted, compared to Americans, Bulgarians are probably not as funny. But boy was she right...

In Bulgaria I find myself getting my laughs from the oddities of Bulgarian life, or something I said wrong and everyone except me is laughing (That doesn't count as humor). I also love hanging with other Americans because we laugh together sooooo fricken much, and I love that. I can't remember more times in my life than in Bulgaria that I have been brought to tears because of laughter. It is always nice to have that outlet. Until today I have been rendered humorless except for the American gatherings. Now I will tell you why.

A bit of background...The national park I work for held an art contest a couple months back and received the art earlier this week that kids from all over Bulgaria sent in for the contest. The theme for the contest was "One Planet One Future". In total we got 22 entries that we judged today. We hung up the artwork around the room and began to talk about which ones we liked and didn't. It was a real jury deliberation. In true Bulgarian fashion we spent over an hour just contimplating which pictures were better than others. Things were really going well until we came to this picture below.


Now remember that the theme is "One Planet One Future" and it was keying on biodiversity. My counterpart and the other female in the jury really loved this picture because it was "well done" and "technical"....sure. Now, I am not knocking the artist but my argument was...how does this represent biodiversity? My colleagues argued that cats are wildlife and that the picture represented this girls connection to nature through being a cat-lover...Well that is swell...I suppose

Now this is where I got become my true humorous sarcastic self and critique my colleagues opinion. I pointed out to them the squirrel in the background and said, "Look at the squirrel he is alone and lonely, that is a bad future!" Ahahahahaha my colleagues loved it and then I pointed out, "There are too many stray cats in Bansko anyways." Oh man did it feel good actually make someone laugh without being an idiot for saying something wrong. I know what I said was not perfect but it came across as funny and that is what makes me happy to know that I finally made a funny in Bulgaria. There was more to the conversation that was funny but I finally feel like I arrived in Bulgaria...all of me. I feel like they don't know the true me...the funny me. But now they do and I hope that it will continue.

Oh man you shoulda been there!!!!

Not a dream

I awoke one morning still dreaming wide awake...or was I. Before me was a vertical intersection of knots, splinters, thorns, and rusty spikes. Its height was defying and it weighed just as much as a servant could pull on his back. Craftsmanship coupled with death, a truly torturous combination. Surrounding me stands a mixed crowd. Jeers of approval and tears of utter sadness. A liar, imposter, theif, a human. A mother in the crowd cannot hold back her tears. She is comforted by followers and family. Why the tears? Only a mother can know. I look around again. More eyes gazing upon the same scene as me begin to shed tears. Ignorance continues in others. A mother's love, true love, truth, immortal. Blood is dripping into the same dust and soil that the crowd is standing on. If they only knew. I am not blind, I know exactly what I am looking at. I think? A cost, burdened yet freed, a payment. What in the world?

Clouds are beginning to gather overhead. Wind is picking up and tears from the heavens begin to saturate the parched Earth below. For such beauty, unbeautiful weather. Is it anger, rage, understanding, something planned? The sun peeks below the troubling scene overhead. The shadows are elonganted across this deathly steep hill.

I glance up and lock eyes with a seemingly loving man. His arms are spread wide as he gracefully peers down at me from his vantage. He doesn't smile. His eyes wincing from the pain of the wind in his face. It seems as though something is bothering him. He questions me from his perspective, "Do you know why you are here?"

Suprised I respond, "Actually. NO? I think I do?"

Even farther he digs, "Have you paid to be here?"

"Nope, I haven't. Should I?"

Generously he responds, "Don't worry I'll cover you"

Appreciatively I reply, "Hey, thank you sir!"

With a concerned tone in his voice, "Do you know how much I payed for this view? To be here today?"

Quickly I say, "No, I don't but you must be gener..."

"Everything", he utters politely cutting me off.

I realize I am still awake as I peacefully gaze around my room. The sun is rising in the east and brightening my room. The grills in the window have created a cross-shaped shadow upon the cold concrete wall across from them. I am not who I was.

Free Writing

Watching the sun set behind the mountains and writing in my journal. Where am I again? Oh ya, Bulgaria. I smell a sweet scent in the air, something like fresh baked cookies. From WHERE? I have no idea, but I smell it...& I want it!! Chalga music is playing in the distance...nothing new...still annoying, but I am in the middle of nowhere and I hear it. (Lovely) I've seen better sunsets than the one I am looking at currently but the planes traveling across the sky peak my interest. They appear to be on fire with the trail of smoke chasing them but as we knowledged folk know, it's just CO2.

It is definitely autumn now. The crispness in the air is undeniable. There is a hotel called "Everest" sitting on the hill below me. Oh how the sky fades from from blue to orange better than any attempt of the best artist. It doesn't even burn anything as it lights the sky on fire. Just a simple rotation of the Earth. Chalga louder.............The ski hill is waiting my arrival yet the fields below still have not been harvested. WAIT, mountain, we have all winter for me to carve your slopes and leap from your cliffs. All of this world in front of me; don't even get me started on the unseen behind.

Away from the sun is plainer, darker, lacking appeal. Although, the rutted road winding into the hills draws my gaze and changes my opinion of dull and drab. The blue sky above me fades gently again into a soft purple across the horizon. Or maybe this is an optical illusion along the forested hills. Believe it or not, there is a rock formation on the far hills in the exact shape of a "W". Winter? What? Wisdom? George? Worship? Wind? Dang! The crisp air was not just in front of me but also behind...all around. The wind makes my writing a bit slow. The way I walked in on is well-hidden in the wheat grass surrounding me. What in the world is with all these W's. I'm withdrawing. It seems the "W" on the hill is willing me to write alliterations. Oh well! As the sun wanes from the evening sky, I conclude this passage with an Amen and Halleluja to the One who created it all.

I just wanted to climb rocks!

I was bored a few weeks ago so I decided to take a lil hikey-poo! I had seen on my many bus rides a group of cliffs right at the edge of the mountains. It had been calling my name since the first time I had seen it. Oh man was excited to go maybe do a bit of rock climbing...on my own:)

I set out around 6:30 pm thinking there would be plenty of time to get out there and do about 30 minutes bouldering. Wonderful!! There was plenty of light and plenty of thoughts to myself, "How far is this dang thing?" It was about 5km from my house and across farm fields, unmarked roads, and magical forest trails. It also led me to an aquaduct...Ya check it out. I walked across it, rebar sticking out and all.


Everything was going great until I lost the trail and decided to climb through the undregrowth that had grown over my head. probably a 55 degree angle. I wasn't sweating until then. So that little detour brought me to the top of the rock outcropping...not exactly the best place to boulder without a rope. So instead I decided to take cheesy pics of myself. Woohoo!!



While I was there, on top of this rock outcropping I couldn't help but notice the beautiful sunset that was forming on the horizon. It reminded of the beautiful Montana sunsets. Purples, yellows, reds, and of course blues were streaming across the sky as I just got to sit there in somewhat silence.


I say somewhat silence because I couldn't help but notice the trickle or flow of water that was "roaring" below me. I was not hesitant to find out what exactly it was...basically because I new what it was...a waterfall, silly! I climbed back into the darkness of the undergrowth that had created gloomy shadow over the stream. What I came upon was simply amazing and more than what I expected. It was so beautiful I had to get a blurry photo of it for record.


So what I wanted to be just a lil hikey-poo and bouldering session turned into so much more and I can only thank God that it did. And since I got only a blurry photo of it, this means that I have to go back soon. I just wanted to climb rocks!!